Be historian in the year 3023

And lo, there came a shaking as an ebon spire rose

Upon it writ the tongues of men, their generations' prose.
—Translation of the Alpha Fragment.

> Be historian in the year 3023 is a copypasta story, likely originating in 2023. Due to the nature of copypasta, it is hard to determine who the original author was.

The copypasta is broken into two parts, each containing a significant part of the story.

  • The first part, focusing on the exploration of a McDonalds fast food restaurant, which is mistaken for a holy site. The historian examines the bathroom in detail.
  • The second part, focusing on recovering and interpreting messages from "The Alpha Fragment", including an examination of slang, and the meaning of the text.
  • An addendum with the poem itself, which somehow manages to rhyme "RIZZLER GYATT FANUM TAX, SIGMA OHIO SKIBIDI".

A dramatic reading of each can be found on the YouTube channel BurialGoods. Part 1 can be heard here, part 2 can be heard here, the poem can be heard here.

Compare with Motel of the Mysteries, which may have inspired it.[1]

Tropes used in Be historian in the year 3023 include:
  • AcCENT Upon the Wrong SylLABle: Present on some bathroom graffiti, leading the historian to mistake it for a list of chemical elements.
  • Abandoned Area: Earth's "northwestern" continent hasn’t been visited for hundreds of years.
  • Adventurer Archaeologist: The historian presumes that they are in danger of booby traps and the like while exploring the McDonald's, and spends hours to ensure they don’t disturb the remains.
  • After the End: English speaking civilization is long gone and has faded from accurate records. It has been several hundred years since anyone has visited the "northwestern" continent of earth.
  • An Aesop: The historian deduces that the message of the alpha fragment is one warning how nobody gets away with sinning.
  • Ancient Artifact: The Alpha Fragment, which is likely just a smartphone.
  • And I Must Scream: The historian interprets the alpha fragment as cursing those who rejected its message to sing its song as spirits forever.
  • All Hail the Great God Mickey: Not actually practiced by the Anglos, but the historian unknowingly portrays them as worshiping the Internet at a McDonald's.
  • Bathroom Stall Graffiti: The historian finds this on the McDonalds stall, and is excited, identifying:
    • A phallic carving as a fertility symbol.
    • An eggplant, droplets, and peach followed by a phone number as a prayer for rain at coordinates.
    • Some crude language as a recipe for a weapon of mass destruction.
  • Comically Missing the Point: The historian mistakes many artifacts from a fast food restaurant to be holy relics.
  • Cruel and Unusual Death: The historian interprets the alpha fragment of telling a story in which those who did not sing the song of the god Internet have their flesh peal off and are forced to perpetually sing it as sprits.
  • Cunning Linguist: These are mentioned as being used to help decode the Alpha Fragment.
  • Curse: The historian thinks that the word "Ohio" is used as an allegory for a cursed place.
  • End of an Age: The historian speculates that the Anglos knew their civilization was falling.
  • Entertainingly Wrong: How the historian often categorizes things, with such as deducing Millennials being elderly people of a thousand years.
  • Forbidden Zone: The Space Overlords declare the "Northwestern" continent to be off limits for another 1000 years, 4023, after learning the supposed weapon inscription in the McDonald’s bathroom.
  • Ghost Town: The historian speculates that Ohio was a lost Anglo place by the time of the owner of the Alpha fragment, not understanding that it was a state rather then a single settlement.
  • The Government: The Space Overlords are this to the historian.
  • God Is Good: The historian thinks the Anglos felt this way about Internet, despite its punishment.
  • Our Gods Are Greater: The Historian mistakes slang and terminology for an Anglo pantheon.
    • Internet, the main god.
    • Rizzler, A less important god.
    • Gyattam Dataz, a fertility goddess.
  • Precursors: The Anglo civilization.
  • Really Seven Hundred Years Old: The historian interprets "Millennial" to mean "The ancients of a thousand years".
  • Right for the Wrong Reasons: The historian does manage to get a few things right or dismiss some false conclusions from other colleagues, but is often completely off base in how or why he came to those conclusions.
  • Top God: The historian views "Internet" as the most important god of the Anglos.
  1. ↑ The date at which the Space Overlords prohibition on exploration of the Northwestern continent expires is just one year off from the events of Motel of the Mysteries.
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